Textual Overtones

Wawa-weewah!

My Name-a Borat Sagdiyev. I make note this moviefilm reviewings for my very excite friend Sudermans who has gone to make purchase American porno star Denise Richard. She’s very cheap, has shave below and looks like Pamela CJ Andersons two sizes small but with same lovely hairs, pearly teeth and red water panties. He tell me: Borat, If she acted in this, she would even be willing to play midget at the circus.

Till he buy her for his moviefilm, I explain my findings for make benefit your time, money and water.

I went to make a shit three times while watching this a moviefilm – two times because I was most bored, one times when I take photo of old woman who went to clean vagine. She not like movie very much.

In Kazhaksthan, moviefilm is 20 minutes – man enters cage, makes sexytime with wife, close cage. Easy on anoos.

In US and A, moviefilm 100 minute but you can have handparty three times. Hi-fi.

Indian moviefilm is a hundred and feefty seeksty minute long because of rituals name dialogue, dance and drama.

Indian woman educate, she speak a lot, she dance. Very nice. She shake well, she has milky teets, no hair, she shave body and talk, talk, talk, talk… yak yak yak.

But I could not concentrates on what this Bebo and her ladyfrend Arora who not like clothe was saying. I could not a wait for them to make sexytime as lesbian. But it not happen.

Indian pervert Kumar is Pussy magnet from a Punjab who harvest his pubis and other hairs on his body. But I not understand why he not just rape or make sexytime with this Bebos early? He only grab her and kiss her. Yes, it is a legal to force yourself on a ladies if you are Indian hero.

This Kumars for some reason press his mouth to Bebo’s mouth six seven times. It looks like a kiss but he is very much afraid to use tongues, teets or put hand inside vagine.

Woman walk free la la la la without leg chain or cage as common practices in Kazhakhstan. And sometime in US and A when a woman chain me to bed, when phenis gain entry into vagine, she scream Yes, Yes, Yes and she call me Oh God Oh God Oh God. Later, she want me to ask about Who is your Daddy and give beatings on her anoos.

But Kumar not do that since he is a homosexual and stunt prostitute. One time, at the airports, Bebo… naughty, naughty… makes a genuine chocolate face man gain entry to his asshole to look for drug and make his anoos hang loose like mouth of tired dog.

This Bebo is much educate doctor and is proves government scientist Yamak who said woman brain is small size of squirrel. She leave watch in his stomach with Indian disco dance music and result in him become retard like my brother Bilo. He tear his hair and scream Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah… She later sleep with him Ha Ha *NOT* (Ha Ha I make a *NOT*  joke I learned in comedy class… It is good *NOT*? Ha ha… I make another joke *NOT* ) She remove her watch by poking his anoos with injections.

All characters in this moviefilm have retardation and woman have permit to speak specially when she not being run over by transportations or get face blown by gas from anoos or when she make sexytime with Kumars or clean his feets.  At all time, all woman have been instructed by directors to show teets. It is very nice but after while, boring.

Bebo talk so much that Kumars not want to do sexytime even when she has make payment for hotel room which is twice the size of capital of Kazhakhstan, bigger than capital of assholes Uzbekistan.

American pornographys star Denise Richard who look like she want to make a shit says she want to make golden babies with Kumars because he is like hot chocolate face. Since he now a retard, Kumars make decide to marry old porno star Richard but Bebo realise she want to be in his cage first.

I forget… the moviefilm has Superman Brandon Rouths for five seconds in character name Loser and Rambo Balboas. My friend Sudermans say Rambo look like Indian bodybuilder Sunny Deol with plastic surgery and act like him too. When one chocolate face tells worldfamous Rambo: You picked the wrong neighbourhood pal, everyone in moviehall laugh ha ha ha ha ha ha… He make a joke.

I finish my reportings. Great success.

Chenquieh!

“Just how would you capture the 9/11 moment when the second plane crashes into the World Trade Centre?

In Kabir Khan’s New York, American extras stare at the TV like they are watching America lose to Brasil in the FIFA world cup. Just a tad disappointed, not shocked or outraged as they stand rooted to the ground lazily and of all people, poor Katrina is entrusted with shouldering the responsibility of showcasing the shock and horror of that moment. Come on now, really?”

Read the full review here.

Genre: Comedy
Director: Todd Philips
Cast: Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zach Galifianakis, Heather Graham
Storyline: Three friends get wasted in Vegas and it’s Dude, Where’s My Car all over again. Here, they have also lost their best friend who’s getting married the next day.
Bottomline: The funniest film this year. Period.

Over the last few years, Hollywood has tasted quite a bit of success with this genre though it never perfected it. Until now.

Drunken revelry, Freudian irreverence, celebration of bachelorhood and the dream wishlist: Everything a guy ever wanted to do but never got to a chance to.

The Hangover is as perfect as it gets as far as Boys Night Out entertainment goes. Like chick flicks, the antithetic genre of Dick flicks plays out like every Tom, Dick and Harry’s fantasy.

So, what you have in The Hangover is loads of male bonding, politically incorrect jokes, situations and characters, sloshed and creating havoc in Vegas during one hell of a wild night they will never forget. Or remember.

When we say wild, we literally mean wild life – from tigers to strippers in their room to a barely year-old baby who becomes the youngest male ever seen onscreen doing something you’ve seen only in porno movies.

Though it seems to derive this inanely bizarre from the whacko Dude, Where’s My Car, this one seems funnier because unlike the Ashton Kutcher film that went all out as a science fiction spoof, The Hangover, is quite grounded with a reality… at least reality that can be aspired for.

You can steal Mike Tyson’s tiger, trash a five-star hotel, make a killing at the casinos, marry a stripper or jack a cop car you know… it’s not still as unrealistically fantasy-like as Dude, Where’s My Car where hot babe aliens are willing to give you erotic pleasure if you can hand them the “continuum transfunctioner.”

Still, why did ‘Dude, Where’s My Car’ get only a five on ten rating while this averages over 8.4 on ten around the world with both critics and audiences loving it despite it smacking of political incorrectness of every kind?

That’s probably because The Hangover goes deeper into the male psyche and Dude, Where’s my car was superficially flakey. Here, the tapes of what they do when they are totally wasted actually can be sent to their shrinks who can spend hours psycho-analysing the boys and be further deconstructed to understand fears, insecurities, dreams and aspirations of the Average Joe. Or Dick.

But the beauty of The Hangover is that director Todd Philips decides to pretend that of all that is purely incidental.

The focus of this film is on three drunk guys trying to piece together all that they did during a night they cannot remember and hence, the screenplay too has plenty of licence to run riot between the blanks.

We never get to see what they did, only the aftermath and a few fragments (now, stay till the very end if you want every thread tied up)

The actors are a prize catch and you can’t wait for the boys to return. (Yes, they will return for a sequel next year)

Ed Helms (Andy from The Office), finally you get a role you can sink your teeth into.

Bradley Cooper, welcome to the Men’s club – here, you get to atone for your sins during the time you spent doing silly chick flicks (he was last seen grabbing Scarlett Johansson in He’s Just Not That Into You).

Zach Galifianakis – you are a Dude, man. Pour me a drink, will you.

And Heather Graham, this film’s just one of those reasons the boys will always love you and cherish you for – the other two films being Austin Powers and Bowfinger. Keep doing that thing you do.

And the rest of you boys reading this, what the hell are you waiting for? Go hang with them now.

Genre: Comedy
Director: Paritosh Painter
Cast: Javed Jaffrey, Shreyas Talpade, Aashish Chaudhary, Vatsal Seth, Celina Jaitley, Riya Sen, Sayali Bhagat, Neha Dhupia, Asrani, Johnny Lever
Storyline: Out of work buddies pretend to be married couples for a roof over their heads
Bottomline: Front bencher’s delight.

If you’re a girl, you will sound like a bird by the end of the film, going “Cheap,” “Cheap,” “Cheap” every few moments. The film’s so “Cheap” that most boys wouldn’t find a better bargain in the movie halls this season (at least till The Hangover releases).

Right from the posters (Javed Jaffrey is seen pinching bottoms), you know what to expect. It’s unabashedly male in its approach, thoroughly sexist and completely sexed up, Paying Guests is the definitive anti-thesis to the chick flick genre – what Hollywood and American film studies today refer to as the dick flick – popularised by Judd Apatow, Mike Myers, Kevin Smith, Sacha Baron Cohen and the likes.

By no means can Paying Guests be called good cinema. But it’s great entertainment nonetheless, a gloriously cheap celebration of political incorrectness.

Paritosh Painter adapts his play to the big screen with all the clichés you can find in silly Bollywood comedies over the decades.

Out of work guys who can’t pay rent. Check.

Men in drag, equipped with Tennis balls. Check.

Clown with a lisp. Check.

Character who unwittingly uses wrong English words (like Welding instead of

Wedding, Infection instead of Introduction). Check.

Speaking Hindi in a Tamil accent. Check.

Slip-and-fall routines. Check.

Walking-into-a-glass-door comedy. Check.

Walking-into-a-pole humour. Check.

Bitching-only-to-find-the-person-behind-their-back laughs. Check.

Genre: Masala
Director: Vivek Sharma
Cast: Jackky Bhagnani, Vaishalee Desai, Rishi Kapoor, Rahul Dev, Archana Puran Singh
Storyline: Soothsaying love child of Uday Chopra and Bugs Bunny comes to Mumbai and finds a bomb standing above a bomb kept by evil villains
Bottomline: Even if this were the last movie released before an apocalypse… Actually, especially if it’s the last film you’ll ever see, don’t!

An ancient Tamil saying approximately translates to: “For a crow, its baby is a golden baby.” But alas, Vashu Bhagnani, born in a different culture, never got this valuable insight.

So, he errs by repeating an old Bollywood mistake, throwing good money after bad.

Instead of cutting losses after taking a good look at his kid, he has actually invested more in really launching his old production. Maybe the word is unleashing.

Jackky (spelt with two Ks) Bhagnani who looks like the love child of Uday Chopra and Bugs Bunny is the latest to join the “Mere Paas Baap Hai” club and the only good thing about this film is his co-star and grand niece of Manmohan Desai, Vaishalee (spelt with two Es) Desai, who will make you hunt for her Kingfisher calendar picture online.

Kal Kissne Dekha is set in a typical Bollywood college. The type where Hip-hop dancers rehearse their somersaults 24×7. It’s that kind of college where students always that turn up to cheer any stupid contest and seniors mess with the newcomer hero by testing his gym skills. And yes, it’s that sort of classroom where juniors and seniors then sit in the same class almost next to each other and are introduced to Newton and gravity… only at the college level.

Sitcom ‘Friends’ fans may remember Joey Tribbiani toast during the Monica-Chandler wedding (his an excuse to demonstrate his “acting” skills to the Broadway producer in the audience). Joey recalls that he was first “angry” (Oh! Why God Why?), then, he remembered some happy memories (he “laughs”), some sad memories (he “sobs”) and some scared memories (he “jumps in fright”)  –  and he realized he will always be their friend: “A friend who can speak in many dialects, has training in stage combat and is willing to do partial nudity.”

That’s exactly what Jackky does in this film.

Director Vivek Sharma sets it up an excuse for Jackky to show us that he can feel at home in a village like Chandigarh (!) or a city like Mumbai… He can lift weights, he can kick ball, race on dirt bikes and has a heart big enough to save the bad guys. He can dance with bikini babes at beachside foam parties or stage shows, drink like a fish, save a girl from drowning and do mouth to mouth (but won’t because of his upbringing) and is dutiful enough to drop her back, even if he’s drunk and can win over her parents.

All so bad that Sanjay Dutt disappears after giving a single shot, Juhi Chawla scoots abruptly, thanks to a bomb scare and Rishi Kapoor hides under a hideous wig. Poor Riteish Deshmukh decides to give karma its due and consents to do a comedy track to launch a VIP son.

But poor Riteish is wasted really because the real laughs come from Rishi Kapoor and later, Dalip Tahil when he reacts to Jackky’s admission that he can see the future. The police chief is just waiting to believe this cock and bull tale of soothsaying, jumps in delight and says: “This is fantastic. Tell me more.”

The biggest laugh comes in the climax when Jackky does a John McLane approved Die Hard stunt. Remember how John killed a chopper using a car in the last edition of the franchise? Well, this one beats that. By a mile.

If Uday Chopra, Tusshar Kapoor, Fardeen Khan and Harman Baweja can all find work even today, chances are that Jackky too would.

Kal Kissne Dekha? Well, the movie isn’t going to be that lucky. It won’t see tomorrow.

Genre: Thriller
Director: Romilla Mukherjee
Cast: Ava Mukherjee, Master Zain Khan, Ankur Nayyar, Simran Singh, Shweta Gulati
Storyline: A granny, a cheerfully divorced daughter, her two brats, a dog and a young couple are the freaky neighbourhood’s Secret Seven.
Bottomline: Elementary, my dear Watson. This one’s made for TV.

Some mysteries can’t be solved. We can only hazard a guess.
1. What’s common to Sherlock Holmes and Detective Naani?
Holmes is a product of Baker Street. Naani is a half-baked product.

2. Why does the film feature a 70-something heroine?
Blame it on the pace. Apparently Ava Mukherjee was seven years old when she sat for a narration. By the time, the makers finished telling her the story, she was seventy-something.

3. What’s the best kept secret in Granny Smarty Pants a.k.a. Detective Naani?
As per the original ending, the camera actually zooms out of the apartment set as it morphs into an old haunted building. The camera does a slow reveal… It’s Nurse Ratched straight out of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest giving Naani her medication. No kids, no cheery divorced daughter, no dog eating biscuits she’s been tossing, no corpses, no men in hoods getting killed while trying to tip her off. It was all in A Beautiful Mind of a schizophrenic retired librarian who had an overdose of the detective novels in the kids section. This scene was deleted on grounds that Indian Cinema wasn’t ready for Awesomeness.

4. So, is this film for kids?
That’s part of the mystery. There are kids in the film. But, there are also at least three corpses. There’s also mention of drug use. And Viagra. One minute, there’s an animated song sequence with a girl post-make-over dancing in a mini in the middle of a “You’ve Got Yahoo” subplot and the next, you have an eerie Piano-based background score associated with B-grade Hollywood thrillers. It tries to be light like a comic book, it tries to be dark and moody like a thriller and realises it has to be cute because it has kids and realistic because it has a Granny and scary because it has bad guys.

5. What’s a good time to watch this?
To be fair to the sincerity of effort and the core idea behind the film, maybe it’s best seen on TV on a lazy afternoon. But if you don’t care much for cutesy detective stories or kids and dogs, you could still catch it on TV with drunk friends.

Genre: Comedy
Directors: Raj Nidimoru-Krishna DK
Cast: Kunal Khemu, Cyrus Broacha, Soha Ali Khan, Boman Irani, Mahesh Manjrekar, Vinod Khanna
Storyline: Two conmen who owe money to a Mumbai-gangster are sent to recover money from a compulsive gambler in Delhi, only to lose it and try to find ways to replace it.
Bottomline: 99 per cent original but finally, it’s the ‘Snatch’ of inspired Ritchie-ness that makes the director-duo’s gamble pay off.

Well, there are 99 reasons to watch this film:
1. It’s by the guys who gave us that wonderful little film called Flavors

2. Crime+Comedy+Ensemble=Always Interesting

3. Boman Irani makes even a compulsive gambler adorably human

4. Cyrus Broacha’s improvisation show. He keeps complaining he never gets to do anything because he’s always in the loo… Or are they all out-takes?

5. Refreshingly laid-back, light-hearted storytelling

6. The smart conceal; twists towards the end. Predictable but fun

7. A dash of romantic comedy. Especially, the scene in the lift

8. The Ocean’s Eleven Master Plan vibe

9. Guy Ritchie’s interconnected motley-crew of characters

10. Tarantino-ish random conversations

11. Coen Brothers-signature of believable larger than life characters

12. Cyrus Broacha makes even running into a pole funny

13. The huge henchman called Dimple

14. It’s a period film set in 1999

15. Isn’t it funny to look back and see how we first took to mobile phones?

16. The Delhi-Mumbai divide, not milked enough for humour, but works

17. Amit Mistry’s broken English as Kuber

18. The moral of mobile phones being injurious to health played for laughs

19. Soha, a tad over-enthusiastic and deglamourised, is not so-hawt but delivers Pooja

20. The opening lines of the film

21. Mahesh Manjrekar does another variation of playing don, at his comic best

22. A wicked Vinod Khanna makes a rare appearance

23. Kunal Khemu arrives as an actor

24. Experiments with non-linearity

25. Tongue in cheek razor sharp lines – the bargain scene with Boman in the climax

26. The funky opening credits

27. Pretty Simone Singh is endearing

28. Cyrus Broacha’s makes even fat-people jokes funny

29. Delhi plays a fine supporting role

30. Catchy songs that make you forgive the Rang De Basanti hangover in picturisation

31. Etching of support characters and extras – the supercop, the bald superstar, the Bengali Foreign Exchange customer, the taxi driver, the bootlegger, et cetera

32. Clever digs at cricket and cinema

33. Audacity to mix fact, fiction and controversy

34 – 99: Has any film ever given you 33 reasons to watch it? Also, since you don’t have any other choice of Hindi films in the cinema halls, isn’t each reason is as good as three?

The one reason to not watch it:

The DVD should be out in a few weeks.
Yes, despite the reasons, 99 is an inspired fanboy tribute to crime comedies the filmmakers seem to have grown up on. Also, some of the emotional scenes overstay their welcome, slow down the already laid-back narrative and stick out sore in a film whose sense of humour ranges from physical comedy and toilet-humour to the understated and cerebral.